Runaway Slumber

[crudelyeuphemistic]

Sleep, my dear companion,
Where did you run off to?
Your family cannot rest
 While you’re away.
We search, believe me, we search
Using almost every over-the-counter pill
In our bloated medicine cupboard.
All of us, even the neighbors who question
Our bloodshot eyes and pale complexions,
Wonder where you may be.
You should hear our mother cry of
Gory battle within her eyelids, and of the
Civil war waging in her tender tear ducts.
She needs you sleep,
Your absence is driving her mad;
She says it feels like years since you
Have been with us,
though, in reality, only days.
She wants to know if it is
hard out there on your own?
Aren’t you frightened?  Hungry?
We all ask you to stop starving yourself
And come home to us.
The sand man, wants nothing more than
To salt your popcorn slumber
And polish your mahogany shut-eye.
Let us mend your ragged clothing
And wash your grubby face.
We have only one request;
Visit us tonight, we promise,
You will be free to roam
Tomorrow morning.

[Helvetica]

Wow. Very nice. I love the description and your giving a personality to that thing called "sleep", that thing we all take for granted until it doesn't come home!

[crudelyeuphemistic]

thank you very much.

[Mule]

I like the poem, especially the line, “To salt your popcorn slumber.”  Very nice!

The poem has a letter feel to it, so I wonder if you experimented with trying this in a letter style format.  Also, it might be beneficial to remove the references to sleep (not in the “slumber” line, though), to enhance the sense that the poem is directed at a person.

There is room for a little trimming of superfluous words such as, “our” in “You should hear our mother cry of.”  The line actually becomes stronger without it because there are additional context possibilities.

If you haven’t, you might consider some flipping in the last six lines, so, “Let us mend your ragged clothing / And wash your grubby face,” follows, “We have only one request; / Visit us tonight...”  Of course, you would have to move, “we promise” to accommodate this.  But I think the measure tightens things a bit.

Hope these tidbits help.

Thanks,
Mule

[crudelyeuphemistic]

thanks a bunch!
i like your last suggestion, though i think
i'm going to keep "sleep" in there because i think
it functions as a name.. atleast
that's just how it sounds in my head.
thank you again.

[Zenithar66]

a really intriguing piece, its descriptions and yes, letter like format really kept me bolted to attention,
I feel that there is really not much left to edit in this poem and must respectfully disagree with taking out "our" as it lends
to the sense of personality in the poem, we don't want ambiguity here as we are directly talking about a certain defined person!

great work, really unique!

[martinh20]

Hi I feel this a nice original write, cant really find anything to crit with it or much that requires any changes. thanks for the read.
                                                                                                                       Bill.
                                                                                                                           

[Frank E Gibbard]

As has been said the personalisation of the abstraction that is sleep works in this witty poem. Well done indeed. Frank